Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.