reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
🤣🤣
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?