doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
how it started vs how it ended
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Bobby pin
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter