STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
