7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
be careful
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Does your wife know you’re single?
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Brilliant!
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
