[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
LOL
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.