Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Perfect

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

I can’t deal with men any longer

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka