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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off