Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Breaking news:

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁