My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I feel seen
San Francisco has too many rules
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
girls literally only want one thing..
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.