“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
