A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair