Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

There’s only one good girl here!

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.