Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
What’s the point buying it then?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me