Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

is this meant to deter me

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!