Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*