Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I wish I were this cool 😂

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap