I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.