I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/