What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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Hello Twits.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
look scared
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
😍😂🥰😂😍
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go