Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

“A little help here, Danny?”

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past