Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

Think I pulled my liver

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this