Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs