[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
You Might Also Like
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
LOL
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.