I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
certified hallow’s eve classic
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
