Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”