(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.