I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.