my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.