Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.