Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Not even remotely sorry.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED