Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

giddy up Office Depot

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

I think this should do it.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.