ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE鈥橲 A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I already tried new things thanks.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won鈥檛 need any of you anymore
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 馃ザ
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It鈥檚 normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.