WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Fixed this for Shakespeare
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.