Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

U talkin 2 me?

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose