My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.