Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.