Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

#ParentingFacts

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.