Good morning, Twitter 😊
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Happens to everyone.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh