Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably