Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling