Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Rambo Rambow

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.