[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
The sacred texts.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Bed should get ready for ME
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar