Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Yes
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Saw online –
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!