My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Gemma Correll
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.