My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”