Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Is this you?
Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
you’re so productive for your wage
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning