Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Today’s Times