Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.