Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

LOL

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing